I realize it’s only January, but nothing should come close to touching Kent Babb’s story in Sunday’s Kansas City Star about the work atmosphere at 1 Arrowhead Drive. Of note, former Kansas City Chiefs coach Todd Haley’s claim — whether real or paranoid — that his phones — yes, even his personal cellphone — may have been tampered with by the organization. He wasn’t the only one, as 610 Sports’ Nick Wright has pointed out in the past few days. UPDATE: Pro Football Talk says the NFL won’t be investigating the claims just yet. (H/t: Arrowhead Addict)

After the jump, an admittedly imagined conversation in which Chiefs General Manager Scott Pioli unveils his cellphone tracking sonar spy machine. Also, a look inside Pioli’s office (special thanks to Christopher Nolan and Batman!).

Pioli: Beautiful, isn’t it?

Unidentified Chiefs employee (played by Morgan Freeman): Beautiful… unethical… dangerous. You’ve turned every cellphone in Gotham Kansas City into a microphone.

Pioli: And a high-frequency generator-receiver.

Unidentified Chiefs employee: You took my sonar concept and applied it to every phone in the city. With half the city feeding you sonar, you can image all of Gotham Kansas City. This is wrong.

Pioli: I’ve gotta find Todd Haley.

Unidentified Chiefs employee: At what cost?

Pioli: The database is null-key encrypted. It can only be accessed by one person.

Unidentified Chiefs employee: This is too much power for one person.

Pioli: That’s why I gave it to you. Only you can use it.

Unidentified Chiefs employee: Spying on 30 million people isn’t part of my job description.

But as 610′s Wright also highlighted this week, Pioli claims to have a million jobs — including chewing Chiefs employees’ asses for not picking up candy wrappers. Damn, they need better janitors at 1 Arrowhead.

We at The Pitch like to imagine this is what Pioli’s office looks like, according to the Star‘s story.

Gotta make sure the drones are working.

Uh, oh! He’s got a hit!